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  • Heard in the Dare House

  • Naomi"Mom, isn't the Charleston that dance on that show Fresh Prince...or....?"
  • Pete"We should all act out a Shakespeare play. Maybe Macbeth?"
    Anna "Oh! I want to play MacMeth!"

  • Josh"Owe! I bit my tongue!"
    Mom "That's not part of dinner, dude."
    Josh"I know. That's why I didn't bite it off, Michael Tyson"

  • Dad "Josh, do you know who Mike Tyson bit?"
    Josh"Uuuhh...yeah...like... Leonard Skimmer?"

  • Anna [When we were all talking about love languages, Dad explains how you can change over your life]"Oh yeah, totally. 'Cause I used to be into drawing."
  • Anna [after falling off her bike]"I'm OK! I don't need the arcade kit!"
  • Dad [Getting ready to give a gift to the girls for their piano recital]"Alright girls, we're going to do something that's long overdue."
    Anna "Ha. Probably taxes..."

  • Josh [After reading Peter's sign that said, "DJ takes requests, and tips] "Hey. I have a tip for you. If people don't like the song you're playing, you should change it."
  • Anna "Sometimes I look around and think, I am Anna...and these are other people..."
  • Josh "Listen. You give me the Simon's Quest code and I'll shop in the women's section!"
  • Josh "You smell like an air freshener, Mom."
    Dad "oh Josh those are kind of cheap so that sounds like you’re kind of insulting Mom when you say that."
    Josh "MMMMmmmm…you smell like a $100 air freshener."

  • Anna "Mom. Where’s the first Bible ever. Like ever."
    Mom "Ummm, I’m not sure. But maybe you could ask Dad about that"
    Anna "Well. I was gonna, but I didn’t want to get a whole sermon…so I asked you"

  • Dad "Hmm. These chips taste stale."
    Mom "They're not stale. They're just from Aldi."

  • Naomi "Look Mom! My foot is bigger than Anna's whole face!"
  • Peter [Interrupting Mom quizzing Naomi on Science by asking, "What's inside the membrane of a cell?"] "...Insane?"
  • Anna [Seeing Almonso Wilder grab Laura Ingles' engagement ring from the kitchen on Little House] "Hmph. He just grabbed a chill pill."
  • Josh "Dad, my grammar book must be in labor. It keeps talking about contractions"
  • Josh [After Dad picked a crumb off Josh's shirt]"Dad, you're like a parasite, cleaning me."
  • Anna[Watching Dorothy's friends break her out of the wicked witch's castle]: "Well. That's why you always keep your axe with ya."
  • Josh: "I wonder if there are any tornadoes at the campground we're going to."
    Anna: "Yes. There are. I know. I checked on E-Bay."

  • Mom: "Mmmm, Josh. You smell really good. Are you wearing cologne?"
    Josh: "Wait. My.....Clone Trooper, you mean?"

  • Mom: "I delivered all four of these kids. The least they can do is let me have the rest of the dill pickle potato chips!"
  • Josh: "You're a weak-aholic!"
    Dad: "A weakaholic?!"
    Josh: "Yeah. You're addicted to being weak!"

  • Dad: [After listening to the long piano intro to Chicago's Does anybody really know what time it is?] "I don't like that dissident music. It's all crazy and off time."
    Anna: "I like it! 'Cuz that's how I play!"

  • Paul: "So according to this book kids, who shot JFK?"
    Josh: "Lee Elvis Hardwell?"

  • Paul: "How Many Kings by Downhere is a perfect running song. The beat is just my pace."
    Jen: "Oh yeah? My song is Canon in D."

  • Anna[while washing herself in the shower]: "Hmmmmm. Arms are helpful."
  • Anna [Seeing Mom running water in the kitchen sink]: "Hey! You want to pay bills?!"
    Mom: "Huh?"
    Anna: "You're wasting!"

  • Josh: "Mom, can I play Mario?"
    Mom: "No Josh. Today is craft day. We're doing stuff for someone."
    Josh: "Yeah. I was gonna beat the game for Dad."

  • Anna: [Laying in bed, in a depressed voice]"Naomi, what do I do with life?"
    Naomi: "Uhh...how about you go to sleep?"

  • Mom: "Weird, I've always heard that song differently. But hey, what am I?"
    Anna: "A human being!"

  • Anna: [After being told to eat her dinner]"Mom, I took two bites! You can see the ground!"
  • Josh: "Man, I want to go to a casino."
    Mom: "What?!"
    Josh: "Wait. Is casino the same as gazebo?"

  • Jen to the kids: "Guys, don't forget toppings for your salad. The more colors on your salad, the better it is for you."
    Josh: "Even if it has Superman ice cream on it?!"

  • Anna"Huh? Craig has a list?"
  • Anna"Naomi, can you look at your calendar with your eyes closed?"
    Naomi"No. No one can, silly."
    Anna"Chuck Norris can!!"

  • Mom"Thanks to Naomi, who passed her headache on to me."
    Naomi"Pastor Headache? Who's Pastor Headache?!"

  • Darefamily: “Night, Pete. Night, Naomi. Night, Mom. Night, Dad...”
    Anna: “Night, vision!”

  • Anna: “Dad, do you believe in Santa?”
    Dad: “Sure, St. Nicholas was at the council of Nicea. He punched Arius in the mouth for his heresy…”
    Anna: “Hmmmm…I don’t remember seeing that in the video…”

  • Pete: "Josh, you know what the Pope is, right?"
    Josh: "Yeah. The stuff in the orange juice."

  • Anna: "Yeah! Let's get this starty parted!"
  • Josh"Bummer Mom, you're not ticklish. But I can still hurt you, because your nervous system is working!"
  • Josh"Sorry Grandma, I don't really like antiques...unless they have up to date stuff."
  • Naomi:"I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of, a whale or a shark, 'cuz I know how to fight a shark, 'cuz they're really weak in the eyes..."
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    How NOT to break into your minivan, by Jen Dare

    vanlast friday, in a need to run several errands, the kids and i were up and ready to roll nice and early.  everyone had pottied and gotten shoes on.  that is when the panic hit.  no keys.  i ALWAYS drop them in my purse and i all but dumped the dumb thing looking for my keys.  then we remembered.  one of the kids, who shall remain nameless, unlocked the van on the way to soccer practice and tossed the keys next to them on the BACK SEAT!  when we got home, we hopped out of the van and locked it.  friday morning, paul leaves for work with the only other set of keys and clicker.  thus, we could not leave…

    what to do?  what to do??  i always try to be resourceful and impress my husband.  so i did what any 21st century wife would do,…i googled how to break into my van.

    you would not believe the plethora of videos that come up!  i knew i would find a solution.  so here it is, in number order, the methods i used.

    1.   take a wedge made out of wood.  pry open the door a bit, as they are quite flexible, and then use a coathanger to unlock the door.  i sent pete down to the basement to grab some shims, (it was all we had to use!) while i proceeded to straighten out a metal hanger.  i pried the door open with no problem.  the hanger went right in.  only problem was, the thing was so skinny and flimsy that as it went through the opening, it kept aiming for the stereo.  helpful if i needed to shut the radio off…but NOT for unlocking the car door.  on to option two…

    2.   another video showed taking a tennis ball and carving a small hole in it.  then you put the hole over the keyhole and push fast and hard on the ball hoping to use air pressure to ‘pop’ the lock open.  looked simple enough.  so again, i sent my gopher to get the things while i am still working on the coathanger that is dangling from my passenger side door.  we carve the hole and proceed to the van.  i tried every lock twice and then felt so stupid, i went in to read the comments and see if people said this worked.  turns out it works only on ‘certain’ types of cars.  obviously, mine is not one of them.

    3.   this one involved a fork.  bend two prongs back and try to ‘jiggle’ the lock.  about this time, my ninety year old neighbor came up from behind and about scared the daylights out of me.  she had a nice sturdy metal hanger.  she told me that this had happened to her several times and good luck.  i think she was enjoying the show…  needless to say, since i do not own a station wagon made in 1972, the fork did nothing except cause me to be short one fork in my silverware drawer.

    4.   i figured by this point, i needed something real strong and sturdy to stick through the door.  i hadn’t tried the hanger from my neighbor.  no, i decided to take an old broken radio antenna and duct tape it to a marshmallow poker.  (i am laughing as i type this cuz i realize how desperate i was getting…i was going to WIN against this lock!!!)  as i am sliding this into the space, the shims both snap.  i am now unable to get them out of the door.  great.  then, while i was trying to get the antenna/poker over to the lock, the antenna snapped.  so now i have a door 1/2 shimmed open with broken shims, a tennis ball with a hole in it for no good reason, two metal things hanging from the door into the middle of the van, and a useless fork.

    5.   i decided to try with the neighbor’s hanger.  if the end of it had something sticky on it, it would have worked.  i was SO CLOSE…by now, almost two hours had passed.  i was tired of trying, frustrated with my lack of ‘breaking in’ skills.  my elderly neighbor came out again and asked if i thought of calling the police.  maybe they would come help?  let’s just say that the only other times i have called (two to be exact) i got a complete JERK on the phone and so that was not going to happen.  “besides,” i told my neighbor, “they would probably just tell me to call my insurance company”.

    oh yeah,….cuz i have roadside..,.DUH…

    i called and within 20 minutes they were here and unlocked my door and we were on our way.  think what you will….



    3 Responses

    1. Honey, honey, honey….our neighbor has a mid 80’s Thunderbird, not a station wagon. That thing is nice too.

    2. OK. It was funny when you told it…but even funnier when I read it!!! : )

    3. You have more guts then I do!!! I don’t think I would have really admitted this to anyone… But, this was one REALLY funny story!! Thanks for the laughs…

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