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  • Heard in the Dare House

  • Naomi"Mom, isn't the Charleston that dance on that show Fresh Prince...or....?"
  • Pete"We should all act out a Shakespeare play. Maybe Macbeth?"
    Anna "Oh! I want to play MacMeth!"

  • Josh"Owe! I bit my tongue!"
    Mom "That's not part of dinner, dude."
    Josh"I know. That's why I didn't bite it off, Michael Tyson"

  • Dad "Josh, do you know who Mike Tyson bit?"
    Josh"Uuuhh...yeah...like... Leonard Skimmer?"

  • Anna [When we were all talking about love languages, Dad explains how you can change over your life]"Oh yeah, totally. 'Cause I used to be into drawing."
  • Anna [after falling off her bike]"I'm OK! I don't need the arcade kit!"
  • Dad [Getting ready to give a gift to the girls for their piano recital]"Alright girls, we're going to do something that's long overdue."
    Anna "Ha. Probably taxes..."

  • Josh [After reading Peter's sign that said, "DJ takes requests, and tips] "Hey. I have a tip for you. If people don't like the song you're playing, you should change it."
  • Anna "Sometimes I look around and think, I am Anna...and these are other people..."
  • Josh "Listen. You give me the Simon's Quest code and I'll shop in the women's section!"
  • Josh "You smell like an air freshener, Mom."
    Dad "oh Josh those are kind of cheap so that sounds like you’re kind of insulting Mom when you say that."
    Josh "MMMMmmmm…you smell like a $100 air freshener."

  • Anna "Mom. Where’s the first Bible ever. Like ever."
    Mom "Ummm, I’m not sure. But maybe you could ask Dad about that"
    Anna "Well. I was gonna, but I didn’t want to get a whole sermon…so I asked you"

  • Dad "Hmm. These chips taste stale."
    Mom "They're not stale. They're just from Aldi."

  • Naomi "Look Mom! My foot is bigger than Anna's whole face!"
  • Peter [Interrupting Mom quizzing Naomi on Science by asking, "What's inside the membrane of a cell?"] "...Insane?"
  • Anna [Seeing Almonso Wilder grab Laura Ingles' engagement ring from the kitchen on Little House] "Hmph. He just grabbed a chill pill."
  • Josh "Dad, my grammar book must be in labor. It keeps talking about contractions"
  • Josh [After Dad picked a crumb off Josh's shirt]"Dad, you're like a parasite, cleaning me."
  • Anna[Watching Dorothy's friends break her out of the wicked witch's castle]: "Well. That's why you always keep your axe with ya."
  • Josh: "I wonder if there are any tornadoes at the campground we're going to."
    Anna: "Yes. There are. I know. I checked on E-Bay."

  • Mom: "Mmmm, Josh. You smell really good. Are you wearing cologne?"
    Josh: "Wait. My.....Clone Trooper, you mean?"

  • Mom: "I delivered all four of these kids. The least they can do is let me have the rest of the dill pickle potato chips!"
  • Josh: "You're a weak-aholic!"
    Dad: "A weakaholic?!"
    Josh: "Yeah. You're addicted to being weak!"

  • Dad: [After listening to the long piano intro to Chicago's Does anybody really know what time it is?] "I don't like that dissident music. It's all crazy and off time."
    Anna: "I like it! 'Cuz that's how I play!"

  • Paul: "So according to this book kids, who shot JFK?"
    Josh: "Lee Elvis Hardwell?"

  • Paul: "How Many Kings by Downhere is a perfect running song. The beat is just my pace."
    Jen: "Oh yeah? My song is Canon in D."

  • Anna[while washing herself in the shower]: "Hmmmmm. Arms are helpful."
  • Anna [Seeing Mom running water in the kitchen sink]: "Hey! You want to pay bills?!"
    Mom: "Huh?"
    Anna: "You're wasting!"

  • Josh: "Mom, can I play Mario?"
    Mom: "No Josh. Today is craft day. We're doing stuff for someone."
    Josh: "Yeah. I was gonna beat the game for Dad."

  • Anna: [Laying in bed, in a depressed voice]"Naomi, what do I do with life?"
    Naomi: "Uhh...how about you go to sleep?"

  • Mom: "Weird, I've always heard that song differently. But hey, what am I?"
    Anna: "A human being!"

  • Anna: [After being told to eat her dinner]"Mom, I took two bites! You can see the ground!"
  • Josh: "Man, I want to go to a casino."
    Mom: "What?!"
    Josh: "Wait. Is casino the same as gazebo?"

  • Jen to the kids: "Guys, don't forget toppings for your salad. The more colors on your salad, the better it is for you."
    Josh: "Even if it has Superman ice cream on it?!"

  • Anna"Huh? Craig has a list?"
  • Anna"Naomi, can you look at your calendar with your eyes closed?"
    Naomi"No. No one can, silly."
    Anna"Chuck Norris can!!"

  • Mom"Thanks to Naomi, who passed her headache on to me."
    Naomi"Pastor Headache? Who's Pastor Headache?!"

  • Darefamily: “Night, Pete. Night, Naomi. Night, Mom. Night, Dad...”
    Anna: “Night, vision!”

  • Anna: “Dad, do you believe in Santa?”
    Dad: “Sure, St. Nicholas was at the council of Nicea. He punched Arius in the mouth for his heresy…”
    Anna: “Hmmmm…I don’t remember seeing that in the video…”

  • Pete: "Josh, you know what the Pope is, right?"
    Josh: "Yeah. The stuff in the orange juice."

  • Anna: "Yeah! Let's get this starty parted!"
  • Josh"Bummer Mom, you're not ticklish. But I can still hurt you, because your nervous system is working!"
  • Josh"Sorry Grandma, I don't really like antiques...unless they have up to date stuff."
  • Naomi:"I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of, a whale or a shark, 'cuz I know how to fight a shark, 'cuz they're really weak in the eyes..."
  • Name that tune

    Who can resist? If you grew up in the ’80’s and were at all exposed to the hair bands, when the synthesizer chords from Whitesnake’s “Here I go again” came on the radio, you knew a singalong was about to ensue. Well, I grew up in the ’80’s.  I listened to the hair bands.  I will never forget the first time I heard this one.  My best friend had a huge stereo system at home and he blared this one Saturday afternoon.  This song rocked and I admit, it still kinda’ rocks now.

    Fast forward to 2009.  Here we were, traveling somewhere, in the van. Que the synthesizers.  Commence singalong…

    WS album

    “Here I go again, on my own”
    “Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known”
    “Like a twister, I was born to walk alone”
    “…to walk along in ONLY THREE DEGREES!”

    Jen: What did you say there, buddy?
    Paul: What? I’m singing the song
    Jen: What did you say after ‘I’ve ever known’?”

    This is the point when I either go completely defensive or start my embarrassed smiling.  I can’t remember what I did this time.  It’s all a blur by now.  The important part is that what I thought were the lyrics actually make perfect sense.  So even though this is yet another pearl in the string of things my wife has taught me, it’s not like my wrong-ness here was completely outrageous…right?  Come on, guys.  Have you ever seen a twister walking along with someone else?  I didn’t think so.  And what about the fact that he’s on his own.  He’s on the only road he’s ever known, he’s alone…that equates to being cold, at least in my mind.  This is where I got ‘only three degrees’.  Besides, a twister makes things cold, guys.  Close your eyes if it will help you imagine the validity of my logic here.

    So, I guess we can throw this one on the pile of misheard lyrics.  Which would make me famous.  So the embarrassment was all worth it.  Glad to contribute to the greater good.  Gotta go…Deep Purple’s classic “Slow talking walter….fire engine guy…” is on the radio.

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    7 Responses

    1. “…make me fries…”

      jen

    2. ok so then what are the lyrics?

    3. Well I can say as a wife of a husband who has a beautiful singing voice (totally being honest), but can NOT sing a whole song through with the right words….EVER, that I often ask the same question “what did you just sing?!” It is indeed an exhausting job..but someone has to do it 🙂

    4. Dear Paul and Jen,

      My mother took away my Whitesnake album in the eighties at my youth pastor’s behest. Mom had brought him a list of my favorite bands to censor. He deemed any band with an album titled, “Slip of the Tongue,” not of God.

      …So I did the sensible thing and ratcheted up to Dead Kennedys and Bad Religion, making sure to hide my records beneath the bottom drawer of my dresser.

      Thanks for the memories!

      Yours Truly,

      -BothEyes

      • ok, now THAT is truly hilarious and disturbing all at the same time. I’m sad to say I’m completely with you on this. The hiding the bad stuff when I was younger part, that is. I won’t even write the names of the “bands” and rap “artists” I had tucked away, afraid my parents would find them(btw, hi mom!). I’m glad my eyes were eventually opened to the foolishness of it all.

        glad you enjoyed! 🙂
        -paul

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