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  • Heard in the Dare House

  • Naomi"Mom, isn't the Charleston that dance on that show Fresh Prince...or....?"
  • Pete"We should all act out a Shakespeare play. Maybe Macbeth?"
    Anna "Oh! I want to play MacMeth!"

  • Josh"Owe! I bit my tongue!"
    Mom "That's not part of dinner, dude."
    Josh"I know. That's why I didn't bite it off, Michael Tyson"

  • Dad "Josh, do you know who Mike Tyson bit?"
    Josh"Uuuhh...yeah...like... Leonard Skimmer?"

  • Anna [When we were all talking about love languages, Dad explains how you can change over your life]"Oh yeah, totally. 'Cause I used to be into drawing."
  • Anna [after falling off her bike]"I'm OK! I don't need the arcade kit!"
  • Dad [Getting ready to give a gift to the girls for their piano recital]"Alright girls, we're going to do something that's long overdue."
    Anna "Ha. Probably taxes..."

  • Josh [After reading Peter's sign that said, "DJ takes requests, and tips] "Hey. I have a tip for you. If people don't like the song you're playing, you should change it."
  • Anna "Sometimes I look around and think, I am Anna...and these are other people..."
  • Josh "Listen. You give me the Simon's Quest code and I'll shop in the women's section!"
  • Josh "You smell like an air freshener, Mom."
    Dad "oh Josh those are kind of cheap so that sounds like you’re kind of insulting Mom when you say that."
    Josh "MMMMmmmm…you smell like a $100 air freshener."

  • Anna "Mom. Where’s the first Bible ever. Like ever."
    Mom "Ummm, I’m not sure. But maybe you could ask Dad about that"
    Anna "Well. I was gonna, but I didn’t want to get a whole sermon…so I asked you"

  • Dad "Hmm. These chips taste stale."
    Mom "They're not stale. They're just from Aldi."

  • Naomi "Look Mom! My foot is bigger than Anna's whole face!"
  • Peter [Interrupting Mom quizzing Naomi on Science by asking, "What's inside the membrane of a cell?"] "...Insane?"
  • Anna [Seeing Almonso Wilder grab Laura Ingles' engagement ring from the kitchen on Little House] "Hmph. He just grabbed a chill pill."
  • Josh "Dad, my grammar book must be in labor. It keeps talking about contractions"
  • Josh [After Dad picked a crumb off Josh's shirt]"Dad, you're like a parasite, cleaning me."
  • Anna[Watching Dorothy's friends break her out of the wicked witch's castle]: "Well. That's why you always keep your axe with ya."
  • Josh: "I wonder if there are any tornadoes at the campground we're going to."
    Anna: "Yes. There are. I know. I checked on E-Bay."

  • Mom: "Mmmm, Josh. You smell really good. Are you wearing cologne?"
    Josh: "Wait. My.....Clone Trooper, you mean?"

  • Mom: "I delivered all four of these kids. The least they can do is let me have the rest of the dill pickle potato chips!"
  • Josh: "You're a weak-aholic!"
    Dad: "A weakaholic?!"
    Josh: "Yeah. You're addicted to being weak!"

  • Dad: [After listening to the long piano intro to Chicago's Does anybody really know what time it is?] "I don't like that dissident music. It's all crazy and off time."
    Anna: "I like it! 'Cuz that's how I play!"

  • Paul: "So according to this book kids, who shot JFK?"
    Josh: "Lee Elvis Hardwell?"

  • Paul: "How Many Kings by Downhere is a perfect running song. The beat is just my pace."
    Jen: "Oh yeah? My song is Canon in D."

  • Anna[while washing herself in the shower]: "Hmmmmm. Arms are helpful."
  • Anna [Seeing Mom running water in the kitchen sink]: "Hey! You want to pay bills?!"
    Mom: "Huh?"
    Anna: "You're wasting!"

  • Josh: "Mom, can I play Mario?"
    Mom: "No Josh. Today is craft day. We're doing stuff for someone."
    Josh: "Yeah. I was gonna beat the game for Dad."

  • Anna: [Laying in bed, in a depressed voice]"Naomi, what do I do with life?"
    Naomi: "Uhh...how about you go to sleep?"

  • Mom: "Weird, I've always heard that song differently. But hey, what am I?"
    Anna: "A human being!"

  • Anna: [After being told to eat her dinner]"Mom, I took two bites! You can see the ground!"
  • Josh: "Man, I want to go to a casino."
    Mom: "What?!"
    Josh: "Wait. Is casino the same as gazebo?"

  • Jen to the kids: "Guys, don't forget toppings for your salad. The more colors on your salad, the better it is for you."
    Josh: "Even if it has Superman ice cream on it?!"

  • Anna"Huh? Craig has a list?"
  • Anna"Naomi, can you look at your calendar with your eyes closed?"
    Naomi"No. No one can, silly."
    Anna"Chuck Norris can!!"

  • Mom"Thanks to Naomi, who passed her headache on to me."
    Naomi"Pastor Headache? Who's Pastor Headache?!"

  • Darefamily: “Night, Pete. Night, Naomi. Night, Mom. Night, Dad...”
    Anna: “Night, vision!”

  • Anna: “Dad, do you believe in Santa?”
    Dad: “Sure, St. Nicholas was at the council of Nicea. He punched Arius in the mouth for his heresy…”
    Anna: “Hmmmm…I don’t remember seeing that in the video…”

  • Pete: "Josh, you know what the Pope is, right?"
    Josh: "Yeah. The stuff in the orange juice."

  • Anna: "Yeah! Let's get this starty parted!"
  • Josh"Bummer Mom, you're not ticklish. But I can still hurt you, because your nervous system is working!"
  • Josh"Sorry Grandma, I don't really like antiques...unless they have up to date stuff."
  • Naomi:"I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of, a whale or a shark, 'cuz I know how to fight a shark, 'cuz they're really weak in the eyes..."
  • How to invent completely new phrases

    DISCLAIMER: This post is not intended at all, whatsoever to offend anyone.  Including, specifically, but not limited to the individual about which it is written.  Any offense taken is purely and unequivocally unintended and the author will not be held liable for printing libel about the aforementioned individual.  (In layman’s terms: I love you, honey)


    My soul-mate is frequently inventing new phrases that blow me away.  They are both humorous and enlightening.  And, if they ever actually caught on in the every day language of common society, they would revolutionize how we communicate forever.  The great thing about these new-fangled frases is that they aren’t completely out of the blue.  They are derived from commonly known and understood expressions and often are nothing more than a simple combination of two or more popular maxims, axioms or euphemisms that the common-folk (like me) are familiar with.  Allow me to illustrate, please.

    A few weeks ago, my wife was trying to make an educated guess about something.  The topic isn’t important.  What’s important is the way she described what she was doing –

    “I’m not sure…I’m just taking a stab in the dark”

    Brilliant!  Taking a stab at something + A shot in the dark = Taking a stab in the dark.  Why didn’t I think of that?

    Another one?  OK, I’ll give you one more from the vault.  The plan is to periodically add one or two to this blog.  I can’t give them all to you at once for two reasons.  First because they would kill you. I mean that.  The cumulative power an exhaustive list of new phrases from my bride would physically stop your heart.  It’s simply a safety issue.  Second reason is I can’t remember them all.  Good thing, because if I did I wouldn’t be alive to write the ones I could recall.  Anyway, here’s another one.  Prepare for mild cardiac arrest.

    Driving home from my Mom’s a few days ago, Jen was expressing how amazed she was at something I had surprised her with.  These are her exact words –

    “I just don’t know where you pull these hat tricks out from…”

    I’m tearing up.  This was beyond profound.  She has entered ‘guru’ level with this one.  I can only hope to ascend the rocky mountainside to the summit where I can fall at her feet and cry out for wisdom from her mouth.  Think of it!  A magician pulls things from his hat + Hockey players score three goals for a hat trick = Pulling out hat tricks is an elevated form of overwhelming someone with a surprise (obviously!).

    I bow and repeat, “I’m not worthy….I’m not worthy…I’m not worthy…”

    -pd

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    4 Responses

    1. wow man, these are as serious as a heart attack

    2. hmmm,…..not much i can say here except that you spelled ‘phrases’ wrong…i had to add that to prove that i am not a complete moron…

    3. Totaly ment to spell phrases like that. Was going for an alliteration thing there…

    4. What ever it was…it was cute 🙂 Love to know you both still have the “humor!” Well at least Jen does..it is very important in a good, long marriage!

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