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  • Heard in the Dare House

  • Naomi"Mom, isn't the Charleston that dance on that show Fresh Prince...or....?"
  • Pete"We should all act out a Shakespeare play. Maybe Macbeth?"
    Anna "Oh! I want to play MacMeth!"

  • Josh"Owe! I bit my tongue!"
    Mom "That's not part of dinner, dude."
    Josh"I know. That's why I didn't bite it off, Michael Tyson"

  • Dad "Josh, do you know who Mike Tyson bit?"
    Josh"Uuuhh...yeah...like... Leonard Skimmer?"

  • Anna [When we were all talking about love languages, Dad explains how you can change over your life]"Oh yeah, totally. 'Cause I used to be into drawing."
  • Anna [after falling off her bike]"I'm OK! I don't need the arcade kit!"
  • Dad [Getting ready to give a gift to the girls for their piano recital]"Alright girls, we're going to do something that's long overdue."
    Anna "Ha. Probably taxes..."

  • Josh [After reading Peter's sign that said, "DJ takes requests, and tips] "Hey. I have a tip for you. If people don't like the song you're playing, you should change it."
  • Anna "Sometimes I look around and think, I am Anna...and these are other people..."
  • Josh "Listen. You give me the Simon's Quest code and I'll shop in the women's section!"
  • Josh "You smell like an air freshener, Mom."
    Dad "oh Josh those are kind of cheap so that sounds like you’re kind of insulting Mom when you say that."
    Josh "MMMMmmmm…you smell like a $100 air freshener."

  • Anna "Mom. Where’s the first Bible ever. Like ever."
    Mom "Ummm, I’m not sure. But maybe you could ask Dad about that"
    Anna "Well. I was gonna, but I didn’t want to get a whole sermon…so I asked you"

  • Dad "Hmm. These chips taste stale."
    Mom "They're not stale. They're just from Aldi."

  • Naomi "Look Mom! My foot is bigger than Anna's whole face!"
  • Peter [Interrupting Mom quizzing Naomi on Science by asking, "What's inside the membrane of a cell?"] "...Insane?"
  • Anna [Seeing Almonso Wilder grab Laura Ingles' engagement ring from the kitchen on Little House] "Hmph. He just grabbed a chill pill."
  • Josh "Dad, my grammar book must be in labor. It keeps talking about contractions"
  • Josh [After Dad picked a crumb off Josh's shirt]"Dad, you're like a parasite, cleaning me."
  • Anna[Watching Dorothy's friends break her out of the wicked witch's castle]: "Well. That's why you always keep your axe with ya."
  • Josh: "I wonder if there are any tornadoes at the campground we're going to."
    Anna: "Yes. There are. I know. I checked on E-Bay."

  • Mom: "Mmmm, Josh. You smell really good. Are you wearing cologne?"
    Josh: "Wait. My.....Clone Trooper, you mean?"

  • Mom: "I delivered all four of these kids. The least they can do is let me have the rest of the dill pickle potato chips!"
  • Josh: "You're a weak-aholic!"
    Dad: "A weakaholic?!"
    Josh: "Yeah. You're addicted to being weak!"

  • Dad: [After listening to the long piano intro to Chicago's Does anybody really know what time it is?] "I don't like that dissident music. It's all crazy and off time."
    Anna: "I like it! 'Cuz that's how I play!"

  • Paul: "So according to this book kids, who shot JFK?"
    Josh: "Lee Elvis Hardwell?"

  • Paul: "How Many Kings by Downhere is a perfect running song. The beat is just my pace."
    Jen: "Oh yeah? My song is Canon in D."

  • Anna[while washing herself in the shower]: "Hmmmmm. Arms are helpful."
  • Anna [Seeing Mom running water in the kitchen sink]: "Hey! You want to pay bills?!"
    Mom: "Huh?"
    Anna: "You're wasting!"

  • Josh: "Mom, can I play Mario?"
    Mom: "No Josh. Today is craft day. We're doing stuff for someone."
    Josh: "Yeah. I was gonna beat the game for Dad."

  • Anna: [Laying in bed, in a depressed voice]"Naomi, what do I do with life?"
    Naomi: "Uhh...how about you go to sleep?"

  • Mom: "Weird, I've always heard that song differently. But hey, what am I?"
    Anna: "A human being!"

  • Anna: [After being told to eat her dinner]"Mom, I took two bites! You can see the ground!"
  • Josh: "Man, I want to go to a casino."
    Mom: "What?!"
    Josh: "Wait. Is casino the same as gazebo?"

  • Jen to the kids: "Guys, don't forget toppings for your salad. The more colors on your salad, the better it is for you."
    Josh: "Even if it has Superman ice cream on it?!"

  • Anna"Huh? Craig has a list?"
  • Anna"Naomi, can you look at your calendar with your eyes closed?"
    Naomi"No. No one can, silly."
    Anna"Chuck Norris can!!"

  • Mom"Thanks to Naomi, who passed her headache on to me."
    Naomi"Pastor Headache? Who's Pastor Headache?!"

  • Darefamily: “Night, Pete. Night, Naomi. Night, Mom. Night, Dad...”
    Anna: “Night, vision!”

  • Anna: “Dad, do you believe in Santa?”
    Dad: “Sure, St. Nicholas was at the council of Nicea. He punched Arius in the mouth for his heresy…”
    Anna: “Hmmmm…I don’t remember seeing that in the video…”

  • Pete: "Josh, you know what the Pope is, right?"
    Josh: "Yeah. The stuff in the orange juice."

  • Anna: "Yeah! Let's get this starty parted!"
  • Josh"Bummer Mom, you're not ticklish. But I can still hurt you, because your nervous system is working!"
  • Josh"Sorry Grandma, I don't really like antiques...unless they have up to date stuff."
  • Naomi:"I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of, a whale or a shark, 'cuz I know how to fight a shark, 'cuz they're really weak in the eyes..."
  • Stuff I Wrote as a Kid – #1

    I have the greatest Mom on earth (Hi Mom!).  Seriously though.  Who keeps almost everything your goofy son penned as a kid?  Well, MY Mom did!  And yesterday, she passed the precious pile of papers on to me, her proud son.

    So hey, I figured, “why keep all the fun to myself?”  What if I periodically typed one of these gems up for everyone to “enjoy”.  Here goes nothing –

    Stuff I Wrote as a Kid – #1 (Completely unedited)–

    I know this might sound strange, but it is as true as it can be.  I just know that you have hard about people sticking things in a lightsocket and their hair sticking up like a pourcupine, but this story is a little different.  I’m going to tell you about the time when I stuck something into the lightsocket and as quick as lightning blew the lights out in the house.

    I was about six or seven and as stupid as a donkey when this crazy thing happend.  We live4d in our old house then.  It was the color of the backround the photographer uses for school pictures.  The yard was the size of an olympic pool.  Anyways I was up in my room playing with a toy fire truck that I got when I was two.  I suddenly got bored and looked around for something to do.  I was scanning the room like a radar when I suddenly stopped dead like a scared rabbit.  There it was, the lightsocket.  It looked so lonely I figured I’d go check it out.  I kept my eyes on it like a zombie.  I crept over to it like a wolf stalking its prey.

    When I finally reached my destination I sat down.  I had never understood what the four slotted holes were for and whenever someone would plug a light in it would be like sunlight from the wall.  Anyway I searched, found and picked up a peice of two inch long wire as thin as a needle.  I was extremely bored at this time so I figured I would stick it in.  I slowely inserted one side of the wire as slow as a three toed sloth.  Then, as careful as a brain surgeon, I inserted the other one in the remaining slot….

    POW!!!, all of a sudden there was this big ball of fire that looked like a whole pack of matches lighting at once.  I was sort of thrown back  but unhurt.  Shortly after that all of the room was as dark as an empty gorilla stomach.  Well we got everything staightened out and my Dad finally forgave me.

    I know that probably sounded strange but it was true.  I know you have heard about people sticking things in a lightsocket and their hair sticking up like a porcupine.  I just told you about when I stuck something into the lightsocket and as quick as lightning blew all of the lights out

    Pretty Good (Teacher’s note)

    B-

    No date on this but if I had to guess when it was written, I’d say 5th grade.  Can you tell the assignment must have been to use as many similes as possible?

    -paul

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    3 Responses

    1. pretty good use of similies! that’s what she meant, I’m sure!

      Mom

    2. Oh, my goodness! This sounds like something Josh would try! Hilarious! : )

    3. I’m glad you re-itterated what you were telling us about at the end.
      A

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